And a whole lot more...
Passenger: Hey Cabby! What's your name?
Cabby: Ah, just call me Harry.
Passenger: Is that your real name?
Cabby: That's my stage name. I'm on every
night. I call it the Late Show.
Passenger: What else do you do?
Cabby: Smoke, drink coffee and sleep.
Passenger: Come on Harry! What's your real job?
Cabby: Mmmmm...Well I guess I must be a priest. Every night someone goes to confession in here. It usually starts out with...I gotta tell somebody it might as well be you. I'm a psychologist. Passengers are always asking me for counseling. Oh! I'm also an EMS driver. Once I gave a guy shot 3 times in the stomach a life saving ride to the hospital. I'm a Tour Guide. I tell people all about the city. I'm a comedian. I tell a lot of jokes. Hey! Female Escorts ask me to drive them on their dates. Does that make me a Pimp? People use me to escape a bad situation. That makes me a get-away-driver.
Oh! I'm also a designated driver. I take drunks home.
Damn! I have a lot of freaking jobs.
Passenger: Ok Harry is this the only job you ever had?
Cabby: This rides not long enough to hear my job history. I've had over 50 jobs. I quit most of them and got fired a few times. I never burned my bridges. I torched them. The most rewarding was working as an elementary gym teacher. That job ended after I took the 8th grade boys out to breakfast. It all worked out for the best. Driving a cab is much safer than teaching school now a days. Ok here we are. Hey pal! What do you do for a living?
Passenger: I own a film production company and I'm a screen writer.
Cabby: Holy crap! Check out my book of short stories. It's all about the crazy things that happen at night. I forgot to mention I'm also a writer.
Passenger: Ok Harry, I'll take a look at it. I'll even buy it. If I can come up with something I'll give you a call. Here's $20 keep it.
Cabby: Thank you! It's funny stuff. I hope you can come up with something. People are always asking cab drivers to tell them stories. Thanks again...
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The Killer Drunk
I'm going to blow your fucking brains out!
Cabby: I pulled up to a Biker Bar, walked in and yelled: Who called a cab?
Passenger: Three burly bikers responded. We did!
Cabby: Ok let's go! I give drinkers a minute to come out. If they don't I take off.
Passenger: We're ready to go. They followed me outside. One sat in front and 2 in back. Most cabbies won't let anyone sit in front. I really don't care.
Cabby: Where to?
Passenger: The guy in front looked me square in the eyes. Turn right up there. We live a couple miles up the road. When we get there I'm going to rob you and blow your fucking brains out! Whata ya think about that cabby? I got a gun!
Cabby:I knew this guy was drunk and figured the alcohol was talking. Since my testicles are the size of bowling balls I replied: Great! You're just the guy I've been looking for! You better not miss! I've had enough shit for one lifetime! I'm ready to go! Boy am glad I found you! You can solve all my problems with one shot!
Passenger: Hey! Relax pal! I'm only joking! It's just a joke! Take it easy man.
Cabby: Great! Now you're pissing me off! Don't make promises you can't keep!
Passenger: Hey! Chill out cabby. You're fucking crazy.
Cabby: It's a job requirement pal! I'm crazy like a fox, a master at psychological warfare. I rattled what few brain cells they have left.
Passenger: I drove as they belched and farted. Thank God it was only a 5 minute ride. Turn here. That's our house on the left. Turn in the driveway.
Cabby: I pulled over to the curve. I seldom pull into anyone's driveway. I stay in the street in case passengers try to open the door and run. If the door opens before I get paid I start driving. Then they have to jump out a moving vehicle. It's called street smarts. That'll be 7 bucks plus a tip!
Passenger: Here's 10 bucks. Keep it.
Cabby: Hey pal! Thank you for riding Yellow Cab. You're a real sweetheart! They all stumbled out, walked halfway up the driveway, then started shooting. They all took a piss on the side of the house.
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Rick the Pimp
You wanta cum upstairs...
Passenger: I was cruising around Downtown when a tall, thin, smelly, Black man with a scraggly beard in his early 50's flagged me down. He opened the door and immediately handed me a fifty dollar bill. That fifty killed the smell. Hey cabby! Here's some front money. I know cabbies don't like picking up niggars in the street. Take it! I'll take care of you. I need to make a few stops.
Cabby: It's true. Even Black cab drivers ride past Black people flagging for a cab. Cab drivers are afraid of being robbed or stiffed by Blacks. Drivers who do stop often ask for some money up-front. I pick up just about anybody. That's why I get the stories. Let's go! Money talks and bullshit walks. That fifty will cover a lot of territory. What's our first stop?
Passenger: The first stop is up the road in the ghetto. I have to pick up some candy. Don't worry I know all the niggars in the neighborhood. I got yo back covered.
Cabby: I cover my own back. When you get out I park in the street. I don't pull in any driveways or parking lots. Can't risk getting trapped. If anyone approaches me I'm taking off. I'll cruise around the block and come back for ya.
Passenger: Hey Cabby! Ya wanna buy some jewelry. Check out this diamond necklace! It cost 3 grand. I like you. You an have it for 100 bucks. Check it out.
Cabby: No thanks. Take a good look at my neck, wrist and fingers. I don't wear jewelry. And I don't buy jewelry for others, especially in the streets. Do I look like a sucker?
Passenger: Ok I see you know what time it is. You're street-wise. I like that. You can't blame a niggar for tryin to make a living. You understand. Hey! I sold one of these bracelets for $300 to a stripper. I got it in New York for 10 bucks. Dumb bitch! She thought the diamonds were real. They're all dumb! Ok pull over here and wait for me. Lock your doors I'll be back in a minute. He got out and walked over to a house. I sat in the street with the car in drive, one foot on the brake and the other on the gas pedal. I kept my eyes open and frequently checked my rear-view mirror. One minute later he returned. Hey! Let me in! Unlock the door!
Cabby:That was quick. You know I gotta keep the doors locked.
Passenger: I don't blame ya. There's some crazy niggars out here. Hey bro, my names Rick. What's yours?
Cabby: Just call me Harry.
Passenger: Ok Harry. Let's roll up the street. I wanta pick up one of my girls. She's a Princess. Ya just might wanta date her. Ya know what I mean Harry?
Cabby: No thanks. I need the money. Maybe next time.
Passenger: Hey! If ya know anybody who wants some good company I'll take good care of ya. I know allot of girls. Girls that know how to treat a man right. After they hit that crack pipe they go wild. These bitches put out! Pull over here and blow the horn once. She'll be right out.
Cabby: Beep! Here she comes.
Passenger: She got in the cab. Hi Rick! Hi cabby! You're kind of cute! Need a lick!
Cabby: No thanks Princess. What's our next stop Rick?
Passenger: Get on the freeway. Hey Princess, ya look great! We're goin to watch some movies and party all night long. I had a good day.
Cabby: We arrived at the hotel. The meter was $43. Ok Rick we're here. That'll be 43 bucks. You gave me fifty when you got in. Here's $7.
Passenger: Keep it Harry. Ya did a good job. I hope I see ya again. Are ya sure ya don't wanta come up for a hot minute?
Cabby: I'm sure. Thanks Rick. I appreciate the tip. Have a good night. I'll see you around the block...
I saw Rick just the other day. He's still living in the streets and somehow survives. He was standing at a bus stop. Times are tough. I did stop and say hello and told him he's in my book. He smiled.
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The Arrogant Drunk
You're a retard!
Bartender: At 1 A.M. a bartender at a Downtown Bar pushed a drunk, 40 year old, female into my cab.Hey cabby! Here's 20 bucks take her home. She lives on the west side. Here's the address.He handed me a piece of paper. Then he slammed the door and yelled, Listen bitch! Never come back again!
Passenger: I began driving her home to the address on the paper and she started talking. You're going the wrong way asshole! Cab drivers are retards!
Cabby: You're right lady. I saw an add in the paper that said: Cab Drivers Wanted-You must be a retard. So I applied and was hired on the spot. She continued to bad mouth and down- grade me the entire ride. Sad to say I am use to this kind of abuse. It went right over my head. The ride lasted 10 minutes. Finally, I pulled into her driveway ( the address on the paper).
Passenger: This isn't my house! I live on the other side of town! I told you you're a retard! I don't live here!
Cabby: The best time for me to fire back is when I am dropping off. I had already been paid so yelling back at her wouldn't affect me.Listen bitch! This ride is over and you are getting out even if this retard has to drag your drunk ass out! I always follow the directions of the person who pays me. The bartender paid for her to travel to this address. She's was extremely drunk so I don't know if she even knows where she lives. I can't believe the bartender would play a dirty trick and send her to the wrong address.
Passenger: Fuck you retard! I'm not getting out! You can't make me! Fuck you retard!
Cabby: Just watch me sweetheart! I got out walked, around and opened her door. She leaned forward and hugged the front bucket seat I grabbed her around the waist and dragged her out. I threw her in the grass in the front yard and she just laid there. The good news is, it was a warm summer night.
Passenger: Hey asshole! I told you, I don't live here retard!
Cabby: Listen bitch! It's not nice to call people names. Thank you for riding Yellow Cab. I'm not all that bad and actually had an ounce of compassion for this situation. As I drove away I called the police.Hello officer. It's not an emergency but I want you to know I spotted a drunk laying in someone's front yard. Then I gave him the address. Was it her address? I really don't know and I really don't care.
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The Hungry Pasenger
Will you go shopping for me?
Cabby: At 6 P.M. I was flagged down by a 400 pound lady Downtown standing on the corner. I pulled up to the curve. She was standing next to 2 big plastic bags. You need a cab?
Passenger: Oh yes! I dooo need a cab. It took a few minutes as she stuffed herself in.
Cabby: Where ya goin?
Passenger: Go west. I'm going home.
Cabby: What's in the bags?
Passenger: Oooh newspapers. Lot's of newspapers. You knooow they're gooood for washing windows and covering up things when you paint.
Cabby: Yea! It's always good to have lots of newspapers around. She had a lifetime supply.
Passenger: As we approached the grocery she said:Will youuu buy me 3 gallons of skim milk? If I give youuu some extra money.
Cabby: I felt sorry for the fat lady and decided to do one of my good deeds. Oh, the offer of the extra money sounded pretty good to.Ok. No problem I'll stop in and get you some milk.
Passenger: Oooh and will you get me 2 dozen eggs?
Cabby: Ok. 3 gallons of skim milk and 2 dozen eggs.
Passenger: Oooh and will you get me 3 pounds of butter and a loaf of whole wheat bread? I don't mind writing everything down for you.
Cabby: I started to laugh. Good idea. Just write down what you need. Yea, that's a great idea. I'll spend the rest of the day shopping. I pulled into the store.
Passenger: Here's the list and $20.
Cabby: Ok. I'll be right back. It took 10 minutes to find all this stuff. Then I had to go wait in line at the checkout. Finally I got up to the register and I had to bag my own stuff, terrific. I took the stuff to the cab.
Passenger: What took you so long?
Cabby: There was a line at the checkout.
Passenger: Here's $10. That's extra for you. You're a very nice man.
Cabby: I'm the nicest guy in town. Thank you. I helped her carry everything in. The Meter was $10 and she gave me another $13. If you need help doing anything just call a cab.
